Today, I was talking with my buddy Stevil (that's a nickname I gave him). I really respect Stevil's opinions on life, career, and relationships. I think he is gifted with decisiveness, intelligence, and best of all extensive experience. Stevil is not a Christian (hehehe, can you tell by his nickname?). But he asked me, "G.E., do you believe God has a plan?" I answered, "yes, of course." Stevil went on to say, "I believe God has a plan for you." He said it with such conviction that I knew that God was speaking to me directly.

Stevil is a guy who sticks with his male buddies through thick and thin. Earlier in the day, we had lunch along with our buddy Darren. I told the fellas that I decided that I will go through some major changes over the next couple of months. Number one, I'm committed to losing weight. Stevil, comical as usual, decided it was time to wage a bet with Darren. He bet Darren that I could lose the 13 pounds before January 1. The wager is tickets to a Golden State Warriors game! Stevil can be funny! He even specificed that the game has to be GSW versus the Houston Rockets! Hahaha!

Darren took up the bet. If I don't lose 13 pounds by January, Stevil will owe Darren a major steak dinner at the Sundance Steakhouse in Palo Alto. Right now, I weigh 213 pounds. I've actually lost about 9 pounds since I returned from Italy this summer. Yeah, I blew up while I was in Italy because I was just eating tons of carbs! Italian pizza, pasta, bread, bread bread! I was looking quite bloated for the summer.

Over the past two weeks, I've dropped from 216 to 213. Part of that is due to the fact that I haven't been lifting weights, just doing cardio exercise. I also lost weight because I had to overcome a cold. Furthermore, I've been sweatin' out my stress over a Godly woman who makes me go "hmmm?". I've lost sleep over her because I think she's a very special girl.

This leads me back to the lunch this afternoon. After I told Stevil and Darren about my goal for physical fitness, I also told Stevil that I would accept his offer to train me to be "relationship material". I know this sounds ridiculous. But Stevil once offered me this so-called "training" as a life changing lesson that would make me "desireable". He offered it to me more than a year ago, stating that I could never go back to my old ways. He said it was like the pill that the character Neo accepted in the movie "Matrix".

I knew I had reached a major crossroads in my life. I told Stevil and Darren that I would also pursue an office job by the end of the year and wanted to make some major dramatic changes in my life. At that moment, as I shared this with the guys, I could no longer hold my emotions within me. I was filled with sadness because I knew that I wanted to make this changes to make myself more desireable. I couldn't hold back my tears. My eyes just welled up and I sobbed at the table. I couldn't even talk. Stevil tried to console me because he knew I was feeling horrible about my situation with this girl. I couldn't stop my sadness because I felt worthless, rejected, and unwanted.

I didn't have anything left in me. I was a little embarassed. I was very sad. She gave me the "F-word" ("friend") a few weeks ago and stated that she's on a "fast on dating." She's still recovering from her own past relationships and even more, she's in the midst of deciding where to attend grad school next year. My heart sank down to my stomach when she told me that. And since then, I've been trying to overcome the rejection that is buried within me.

I'm a guy who wants to give his heart and everything I have to a very special Christian girl. And when I feel like I've met her, I almost wonder if God is blessing me with the greatest gift in my life? I believe in miracles because I have experienced many of them in my life. But at this time, I know that it would take more than a miracle for her to fall in love with me. Well, Jesus did say that it only takes faith of a mustard seed to move a mountain. I need to have at least that kind of faith that God has a plan for me! (just like Stevil said!)

I just know that God made her special. God made her to serve Him as a missionary in China. God made her a warm personality who has many friends. God made her free-spirited enough to jump out of an airplane and glide to earth via parachute. God made her determined to minister to homeless people in China and prostitutes. These passions inspired me when I read her Xanga. I knew that she truly trusted God and served with her heart. I was moved by her love for God. I knew that I could share my love for God with her, and if God allowed, I could share my love with her.

But so far, God has not opened the doors for me and her. I guess we are friends, acquaintaneces right now. Funny, thing, she and I do have some interesting things in common. We both love the movie "Dumb & Dumber". We both enjoy playing and watching basketball. We both like to listen to "Lifehouse", a group that sings "You and Me" (a friggin' song that is stuck in my head when I think of her). Of course we're both Christians. And another thing about us, we both can't stand people who chew food with their mouth open and smack their lips when they chew! Total deal-breaker!

I'm friggin' tired right now. Writing this blog makes me want to cry at several points. I'm really a soft-hearted man; although many people don't know this about me. Most girls think I'm a rude-ass mo-fo who is insensitive. They just don't have a good sense of humor. As for her, I leave her in God's hands. I pray for her GRE on October 20th, her apps to grad schools in the US, and her decision on where she will attend grad school. I lift up my own concerns for the "Ruth" who was destined for me, the Noble Wife of Proverbs 31, the one and only Lover (Song of Solomon) whom God will provide for me. At this moment in my life, I wish it would be her. But I leave that decision to God. He will answer my prayer in his time!

Dear God, PLEASE ANSWER MY PRAYER!!!!!

I'm going to bed.