I'm in NYC right now and it' s already 2:41am EST. Yeah, my body is stuck in Pacific Standard Time. I'm chatting with friends and I've been sorting some photos of my past 5 days in NYC. I came here to attend my cousin's wedding. It was a great event because I haven't seen some of my relatives for a long long time. It was pretty cool to see my cousin Eric get married. He's a great guy.

He's the first amongst my first cousins who are 2nd generation Asian Americans to marry Asian. Can you believe that? Every one of my first-cousins in the US married white. Yup! I have eight first-cousins who are married so far. Seven are married to whities! If you include my sister in this family tree, eight are married to whities. Wow, eight of nine cousins married white!

What about me? Would I ever marry white? Would I ever date white? Some of my female friends have wondered why I have yet to date white girls. I always tell them that white girls are like aluminum foil. When you initially pull aluminum foil from a roll, it is beautiful, shiny, shimmering, perfectly reflective. But quickly your foil will wrinkle and soon it will have creases, cracks, and lines all over it. Within seconds, you will not recognize the foil.

The same is true with white women. They reach maturity at an earlier stage in life; but they wrinkle early too. And by the time they're 35, they look REALLY REALLY OLD! If you know me, I'm 33 right now. But I look like I'm only 26 or 27(at most). If I date a white girl who's about 30, she'll look like she's a little older than me right now. But if I marry her, she'll look like she's 60 when I look like I'm 40. Dude, that's wack!

But E, shouldn't a marriage be a relationship about two personalities that get along and just love each other through thick and thin? Of course it should be just that. But I think white girls will not laugh at my jokes. I make fun of white people all the time with my standup comedy routine. Especially my jokes about living in the Deep South. Will a white girl laugh at my jokes about Mississippi red-necks? I doubt it.

Don't get me wrong. White girls can be very attractive. And for the most part, they have female physical features that are more "mature" than most Asian women. (Most Asian women physically mature only to look like the equivalent of a Junior high white girl.) But I just fear the idea of a white girl looking way older than me.

Dude, give it a try. Okay maybe I'll try. But I'm kinda short. Many of the white girls whom I know are close to 6 feet tall. They're quite amazonian. I doubt they'd go for me. I've had plenty of rejection from Asian women because I'm not Prince Charming (especially 6 feet tall). I doubt I have a chance with these girls who are themselves that tall.

Oh wells.

Dialogue:


Dear SAF,

I think you're so beautiful. I love your sweet smile and your gentle personality. Your kindness is so sweet that you melt my heart and make me feel weak inside. I bet you didn't know you had that effect on me. That's why you're special, unlike all other girls.

Please tell me you feel the same for me.

Sincerely,

SAM.

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Dear Whatever Your Name Is Dude.

Are you talking to me? Oh. I thought you talking to yourself, reciting lines from a movie. Whatever.

Signed,
SAF

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Dear SAF,

I bet you didn't know how I felt about you. I wish you knew all of the wonderful things that I have dreamed of for us. I wish you could share my hopes and desires. I've already thought of ways to surprise you, sing a song that would make you smile, and carry you away with a spin on the dance floor.

Oh how romantic it would be. Tell me you agree.

Love,

SAM

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Hey Dude,

I'm not into Asian men. I only date White guys.

Ungratefully yours,
SAF

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Dear SAF,

I wish you could look beyond my deficiencies. I'm not perfect. But, I'm a nice guy. I know people say that nice guys finish last. Yet, I think of you as a high quality girl, who has the depth and understanding to see my qualities.

Yours Truly,
SAM

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Dear SAM,
I'm just looking for the right guy. Ever heard of "yuen fen"? That means "fate" in Chinese. And right now I just don't think it's our "yuen fen" to be together. That's about as Asian as I'll get with regard to relationships.

I want a guy who'll understand me. I just want a guy who is funny, intelligent and kind.

- SAF

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Dear SAF,

Stop! Your search is over! You've found your guy who is funny, intelligent and kind! I think I can fulfill your long-awaited "yuen fen".

You are my dream girl. I think of how my dreams would be fulfilled by you. I've always longed for a girl who would laugh at my jokes, converse with me intelligently, and give me the opportunity to share everything I own. I believe in "yuen fen" too.

Could it be with you?

-SAM

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Hi SAM,

I appreciate your letters, expressing your feelings. But I'm not into Asian men. The last one I went out with was boring, stiff, and had no personality. So I guess all Asian men are not worth my time anymore.

Also, since you're not six feet tall, white, and worth more than a million dollars, you don't qualify.

"Romeo, Romeo. Wherefore art thou?"

Where are all the "good" men? All the guys I'm interested in turn out to be gay. Where's "Prince Charming"?

- SAF

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Dear SAF,

I admit that I am not six feet tall. I'm short. But I always thought women were more concerned with what's inside a guy, his heart, and his personality. Actually, if I cashed everything out, I'd probably be worth a million. But I was planning to save it for the long term, for you and me.

I know a bunch of buddies, like myself. They're Asian guys, nice, well to do, kind, raised properly, and courteous. Maybe we don't look as handsome as Ben Affleck or Brad Pitt. Do you use this standard when you go out with white guys?

I often see some "below average" looking white guys, who are not millionaires, and don't seem "special", dating some of the cutest SAFs. There must be something that I just can't see in them. Of course, I'm "hetero"! But I just don't know what you're looking for.

Sincerely,

SAM

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Dear SAM,

Prince Charming exists. I deserve no less than perfection in my man. I worked hard throughout my whole life. I studied hard, under my tough disciplinary Asian parents. I tolerated the insensitivity of my misogynistic Asian father. That might be one of the reasons why I don't like Asian men.

But I know deep down, that I deserve the best. I want a man who will take care of me. I want a man who will love me and make me feel comforted.

Prince Charming exists and I'm willing to wait for him to find me.

- SAF

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Dear SAF,

I've come to realize that you are indeed waiting for Prince Charming. I guess I have only one bit of advice to give you. I think it would help if you started to kiss frogs and toads. Using my statistics and probability background from college, I have calculated that you will one day find Prince Charming if you kiss at least one frog or toad every day from now until the year 3000.

Good luck,

SAM.