I can't sleep right now. I feel like I'm getting old. I'm not progressing right now. I'm frustrated. I don't have a grasp of where I'm going with life.
I have happy/sad feelings when I look at Facebook. When I see the pictures of Lexington Catholic people, I get a little depressed to think how old I actually am. I lie to myself and everyone when I act young. I don't want them to know that I'm 37. It scares me sometimes. Some would say I'm past my prime!
I'm still restless about life. I feel like I just can't seem to do something that defines who I am. I'm restless about my career. I'm frustrated that I haven't found anything that makes me wake up.
Ever since I left the TV business, i've never found anything exciting enough for me to feel inspired on a daily basis. I don't know why, but I feel that I'm called to chase ambulances, ask tough questions that put people on the spot, and speak in public. I like to write what's on my mind, more than just report the facts. But I think I'd be even better at reporting now compared to when I did it 10 years ago. The industry is dying as reporting is going online now.
Newspapers are dying left/right. TV stations are cutting back on staff and trying to focus on their websites.
What else can I do?
In terms of relationships, I'm still frustrated. I've never truly fallen mutually in love with a girl. I've had girls go crazy about me, but I haven't felt the same way for them. I've fallen head over heels for girls, only to be sadly devastated by rejection. I wish I could just find that perfect partner who makes me better at everything. She fits me because of her personality, beliefs, values, sense of humor, principles, and mutual attraction.
I struggle every day with the issue of sex in Post Modern society. Virginity is worthless in America. The modernization of contraception and post-encounter prevention has made viriginity a worthless status.
In other countries, virginity is still highly valued. That's why sexual trafficking of young girls is still prevalent in third world countries. The enslavement of young girls into prostitution is the only way that third world sex traffickers can avoid the spread of AIDS. A girl's “worth” is initially highest while she is still a virgin. Then it is further diminished when she becomes pregnant.
In America, a girl can protect herself from disease and thus elevate her value because she is never truly the object defined by men. In this Post Modern generation, women in the US define their own worth. And in many ways, the American/Western woman also defines a man's status by judging him according to her own status.
Only in first world countries, like the US can a woman care so much about a man's appearance. I would agree with my friends who have told me that girls in third world countries don't care as much about how a guy looks or dresses. But in the US, a man's appearance can weigh more heavily than his personality, values, character, talents, etc. The only other factor that has not changed in valuation of a man is wealth. Money will remain a measurement of a man's value until eternity.