Reflections on a Pageant.... Miss Chinatown USA 2004.
I have long wanted to write about my escapades as an escort for the 2004 Miss Chinatown USA Pageant. Much happened over the two weeks and I should have been posting everyday that I was on it. But here's some reflections...
Sunday January 25, 2004 5am. I woke up in a cabin at Lake Tahoe. Actually I couldn't sleep cuz my roommate snored louder than a lawnmower! I was finishing up a ski trip with some friends from my old church, GGCRC. Funny thing, only two other people (of the 12-13 who went) actually went to the slopes with me. I boarded with them at Alpine Meadows.
It was just perfect out there. Tons of snow, falling while we were sliding down the hills. But that was the day before. I was committed to participating in the pageant and that meant I had to get to SF Chinatown by 10:30am or I was out. So I had to book my way back to the city.
Okay, it was a boring ride on Highway 80. I was with two rather uninteresting people and all I wanted to do was drop them off ASAP. By the time we got to SF, it was about 9:00am and I thought everything looked good. Well, everything was clear except my car. Dude, it had an ugly layer of salt all over it. And worse yet, my engine check light was on. Dude, what the heck did that mean? Well, I went home washed it up and just rushed down to Holiday Inn Chinatown-- the HQ of the pageant escorts.
Alright, I got to the escorts meeting at 10:30am. It was just getting started. Bling Bling is the head escort. He's done it for 8 years already and is one of the veterans. There were a few guys I knew from SCBC (my most recent church) where were at the meeting, JFK, Pandy, SnowBoard King and Lucky. Actually one of the other co-chairs was the King of Thai. He's done it for three years now, and he's the one guy who had faith in me, enough to bring me into the fraternity of escorts.
You see, at SCBC, there have been a bunch of guys who've been escorts. For a while they tried to keep it on the down-lo, even though everyone in the world knew they were doing it. Really, it's not a big deal or anything. I don't know what the heck they were all concerned about. G(Q)W and TheFranchise were prolly the most paranoid about girls thinking they were volunteering in the past, just to hit on the contestants. Seriously, I'm don't care what people think. I did it cuz it has been the underground story of some of the funniest secrets amongst the guys. I never had time to do it in the past and had always wanted to know what it was all about.
Even funnier, some of the guys, ahem, like GQW and TheFranchise would use silly excuses for participating in the pageant. They would say that htye did it as another form of ministry to non-believers. Complete BS! I would never tell someone that I'm escorting as a form of ministry. I'm doing it just for fun. I AIMed with Snoopy and asked her what she thought about guys participating in the pageant. She thought it was fine. She just thought it was ridiculous/stupid/idiotic when guys said they were trying minister to the pageant community. Well, I assured Snoopy that I was doing it just for fun and I would never try to hide my intentions behind a false ministry effort.
Okay, let's get on with the event. I know you want to hear about the girls. I'm not gonna talk about that yet. Alright, so we have this meeting where Bling Bling, the head chair of the escorts tells us all the rules about what the escorts should do and should not do. The rules are simple. Basically, don't offend anyone and don't hit on the girls. Sounds simple? Well it isn't so. Actually some of the guys I know have been booted in previous years for violating those simple rules.
So I was assigned to do one thing that afternoon. Take a girl, Miss New York, to the family associations that represent her name. Cool. So I walk with Miss New York. Dangit she be hecka tall. No, actually, I be hecka short. When she wears her 10 inch heels, I look hecka short. No problems. So we walk to the Chen family association and we ask for whoever's in charge. Yikes. I don't speak Cantonese. Miss New York doesn't speak Cantonese either. She's originally from Beijing. Okay. What the heck should we do?
Well, someone finally understands our Mandarin. At least Miss New York speaks fluently while I just stand and smile. She tells them she's the contestant from NYC and they're all smiling and glad to meet her. We give them a red envelope, Lacie, which has a gift from the Chamber of Commerce to the family association. All of the members in the association building come out to meet with Miss New York. Fortuneately the president of the association speaks good mandarin and we communicate for a little. They give us tea and I take the pictures for the members and Miss New York. Hey, they give me a Lacie too. Not bad. Just two bucks.
We go to another family association on one of the side streets. Do the same routine. Then when we're done, Miss New York asks me if she can go get something to eat. I said sure why not? I think she was hecka hungry cuz she it was already 8pm EST and we had another hour or so before our own dinner. So I took her to one of those Chinese restaurants and she ordered some food. I asked her a few things and got to know her.
What did I find out immediately? 1) She was a Senior at Fordham U in NYC. 2) She grew up in Beijing and came to the US when she was about 13. 3) She has a boyfriend who wanted to come out but the house mothers warned her that no BFs are allowed during the week of the pageant. 4) She does bartending for fun. She seemed pretty cool and liked some of my jokes that I reeled off. I think she especially liked my Redneck Mandarin. Overall, Miss New York was pretty cool.
So I brought her back to the HQ and then hungout with the guys. The next event that night would be the dinner. Da fellas, ie da escorts, had to walk the girls to this Cafe Honolulu restaurant in on Stockton. So I figured I would try to walk Miss Hawaii. Heck, we're going to Cafe Honolulu. Well, I met Miss Hawaii and immediately I knew she was a pageant veteran. The first and just about the only question she asked me was this: "Is this your first year as an Escort?" Well, admitting that it was basically turned me into a peon in her eyes. There was something about they way she carried herself that made me think she's all about business.
Anways, I tried to make her laugh a little and break the ice. I told Miss Hawaii how I really enjoyed visiting Honolulu when I went there in 2001. Yeah. I do love Hawaii. It's such a fun place to be and the weather there is da bomb. I guess that's where I bombed. the next thing I tried to do was make her laugh. Of all the girls in the pageant, Miss Hawaii was the only girl who didn't laugh at my jokes. I couldn't believe it. I thought Miss Hawaii would have been the most laid back. But I guess she didn't find my fake-Pidgeon accent all that funny. Okay I'm not dat good at it yet. I need to watch "Lilo & Stich" again or something like that.
Alright, we made it to the restuarant. Whew, I let her go. I was releived. I thought Hawaii was the warm state. I just thought I came with Miss Alaska. Anyways. I figured I'd be careful with which table I sat at. There was already one table with 6 girls sitting there. I figured that wouldn't be a good table to sit at. And Miss Hawaii was there. So I figured I'd take a break. My buddy Snowboard King was at that table. Man, he was up for some challenges. Pandy was at another table with a few other girls. So I ended up at a third table where there were five guys, and three girls.
So I took the corner seat at my table. There were eight people. I was in the bottom right corner. Across from me was Lucky. If you don't know Lucky, here's a piece of advice. Don't ask him a question. If you aske Lucky what time it is, he'll tell you the time and how the watch was made. Got it? To my left is EC, a young un who knows a lot for his age. To EC's left is Miss Las Vegas, a young un who was kinda nice and friendly. To the left of Miss LV was JFK. Across from JFK was Miss Stanford Law. Then to the right of Miss Stanford was Mr. Cupertino and then Miss TinTinTin. And To the right of Miss TinTinTin is Lucky, who sat across from me.
Well, the food at Cafe Honolulu was kinda yech. I can't complain. It was the first of many free meals that I would down over the next two weeks. I was a little bored after a while cuz we weren't really talking that deep. Anyways, I decided I'd create some laughter at my table. So I text messaged Mr. SnowBoard (one of only two guys) at the table with six girls. I figured he wasn't getting anywhere with them cuz he looked hecka quiet. So I texted him this message: "Dude, loosen up and don't be nervous around the girls". Then I told everyone at my table to watch Thomas grab for his phone and I knew he would look toward me. Just as I had planned, his phone buzzed, he looked at the phone, was embarassed and looked over to my table. By that time, everyone looked at him and laughed!!!!!
So I figured I could do it again with Pandy. Understand, Pandy can go a whole night at a table with girls and just say nothing. So I texted him the following message: "Dude, say something to the girls!" Dangit, for some reason Pandy wasn't looking at his phone. What was wrong? I couldn't humiliate him in front of everyone at my table. What was wrong? Later I found out that Pandy's phone was low-tech and didn't receive text messages. Uggghhhh..
Oh well, I got to meet the girls at my table. And I think Miss Las Vegas kinda thought I was funny with my Red Neck Mandarin accent. She was pretty cool. Miss Stanford was cool too. But man, her fake eyelashes were just HUGE! But she sat so far away that I didn't really get to talk to her as much. She just told me her parents were in Taiwan. Miss TinTinTin was cool. But she didn't say much. Oh wells. That was it for the first night.
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