I'm in NYC right now and it' s already 2:41am EST. Yeah, my body is stuck in Pacific Standard Time. I'm chatting with friends and I've been sorting some photos of my past 5 days in NYC. I came here to attend my cousin's wedding. It was a great event because I haven't seen some of my relatives for a long long time. It was pretty cool to see my cousin Eric get married. He's a great guy.

He's the first amongst my first cousins who are 2nd generation Asian Americans to marry Asian. Can you believe that? Every one of my first-cousins in the US married white. Yup! I have eight first-cousins who are married so far. Seven are married to whities! If you include my sister in this family tree, eight are married to whities. Wow, eight of nine cousins married white!

What about me? Would I ever marry white? Would I ever date white? Some of my female friends have wondered why I have yet to date white girls. I always tell them that white girls are like aluminum foil. When you initially pull aluminum foil from a roll, it is beautiful, shiny, shimmering, perfectly reflective. But quickly your foil will wrinkle and soon it will have creases, cracks, and lines all over it. Within seconds, you will not recognize the foil.

The same is true with white women. They reach maturity at an earlier stage in life; but they wrinkle early too. And by the time they're 35, they look REALLY REALLY OLD! If you know me, I'm 33 right now. But I look like I'm only 26 or 27(at most). If I date a white girl who's about 30, she'll look like she's a little older than me right now. But if I marry her, she'll look like she's 60 when I look like I'm 40. Dude, that's wack!

But E, shouldn't a marriage be a relationship about two personalities that get along and just love each other through thick and thin? Of course it should be just that. But I think white girls will not laugh at my jokes. I make fun of white people all the time with my standup comedy routine. Especially my jokes about living in the Deep South. Will a white girl laugh at my jokes about Mississippi red-necks? I doubt it.

Don't get me wrong. White girls can be very attractive. And for the most part, they have female physical features that are more "mature" than most Asian women. (Most Asian women physically mature only to look like the equivalent of a Junior high white girl.) But I just fear the idea of a white girl looking way older than me.

Dude, give it a try. Okay maybe I'll try. But I'm kinda short. Many of the white girls whom I know are close to 6 feet tall. They're quite amazonian. I doubt they'd go for me. I've had plenty of rejection from Asian women because I'm not Prince Charming (especially 6 feet tall). I doubt I have a chance with these girls who are themselves that tall.

Oh wells.

Dialogue:


Dear SAF,

I think you're so beautiful. I love your sweet smile and your gentle personality. Your kindness is so sweet that you melt my heart and make me feel weak inside. I bet you didn't know you had that effect on me. That's why you're special, unlike all other girls.

Please tell me you feel the same for me.

Sincerely,

SAM.

*************************************

Dear Whatever Your Name Is Dude.

Are you talking to me? Oh. I thought you talking to yourself, reciting lines from a movie. Whatever.

Signed,
SAF

*************************************

Dear SAF,

I bet you didn't know how I felt about you. I wish you knew all of the wonderful things that I have dreamed of for us. I wish you could share my hopes and desires. I've already thought of ways to surprise you, sing a song that would make you smile, and carry you away with a spin on the dance floor.

Oh how romantic it would be. Tell me you agree.

Love,

SAM

*************************************

Hey Dude,

I'm not into Asian men. I only date White guys.

Ungratefully yours,
SAF

*************************************

Dear SAF,

I wish you could look beyond my deficiencies. I'm not perfect. But, I'm a nice guy. I know people say that nice guys finish last. Yet, I think of you as a high quality girl, who has the depth and understanding to see my qualities.

Yours Truly,
SAM

*************************************

Dear SAM,
I'm just looking for the right guy. Ever heard of "yuen fen"? That means "fate" in Chinese. And right now I just don't think it's our "yuen fen" to be together. That's about as Asian as I'll get with regard to relationships.

I want a guy who'll understand me. I just want a guy who is funny, intelligent and kind.

- SAF

**************************************

Dear SAF,

Stop! Your search is over! You've found your guy who is funny, intelligent and kind! I think I can fulfill your long-awaited "yuen fen".

You are my dream girl. I think of how my dreams would be fulfilled by you. I've always longed for a girl who would laugh at my jokes, converse with me intelligently, and give me the opportunity to share everything I own. I believe in "yuen fen" too.

Could it be with you?

-SAM

***************************************

Hi SAM,

I appreciate your letters, expressing your feelings. But I'm not into Asian men. The last one I went out with was boring, stiff, and had no personality. So I guess all Asian men are not worth my time anymore.

Also, since you're not six feet tall, white, and worth more than a million dollars, you don't qualify.

"Romeo, Romeo. Wherefore art thou?"

Where are all the "good" men? All the guys I'm interested in turn out to be gay. Where's "Prince Charming"?

- SAF

**************************************

Dear SAF,

I admit that I am not six feet tall. I'm short. But I always thought women were more concerned with what's inside a guy, his heart, and his personality. Actually, if I cashed everything out, I'd probably be worth a million. But I was planning to save it for the long term, for you and me.

I know a bunch of buddies, like myself. They're Asian guys, nice, well to do, kind, raised properly, and courteous. Maybe we don't look as handsome as Ben Affleck or Brad Pitt. Do you use this standard when you go out with white guys?

I often see some "below average" looking white guys, who are not millionaires, and don't seem "special", dating some of the cutest SAFs. There must be something that I just can't see in them. Of course, I'm "hetero"! But I just don't know what you're looking for.

Sincerely,

SAM

*************************************

Dear SAM,

Prince Charming exists. I deserve no less than perfection in my man. I worked hard throughout my whole life. I studied hard, under my tough disciplinary Asian parents. I tolerated the insensitivity of my misogynistic Asian father. That might be one of the reasons why I don't like Asian men.

But I know deep down, that I deserve the best. I want a man who will take care of me. I want a man who will love me and make me feel comforted.

Prince Charming exists and I'm willing to wait for him to find me.

- SAF

*************************************

Dear SAF,

I've come to realize that you are indeed waiting for Prince Charming. I guess I have only one bit of advice to give you. I think it would help if you started to kiss frogs and toads. Using my statistics and probability background from college, I have calculated that you will one day find Prince Charming if you kiss at least one frog or toad every day from now until the year 3000.

Good luck,

SAM.

Dude, I haven't posted in quite some time. I just have some amazing ideas that I'd love to post. But I just don't have the time. I just need to keep them shorter and sweeter.

Okay. I went to 24hr Fitness tonight. I try to do it about 3-4 times per week. It's a minimum to prevent turning into a vegatable. I was doing my tricep extensions at the cable machines. While doing my usual routine, a cute young girl starts to approach the machines. She looks like she's somewhat new to weight lifting and doesn't seem very familiar with how to use the machines.

The girl smiles at me as I glance her way. So what the heck, I might as well be friendly too. Here's a paraphrase of our dialogue:

me: "So, what are you working on?"
cute girl: "I'm going through a routine that my coach gave me on this list."
me: "Cool. What sport do you play?"
cute girl: "Volleyball."
me: "Nice. Which team do you belong to?" (I ask this to figure out how young she is.)
cute girl: "I play for a club in San Diego."
me: "Is that a school team or a private team?
cute girl: "It's a private team. I'm trying out for the team at my school, City College of San Diego. The coach at the college told me to work out according to this list."
me: "Wow! That's pretty cool. How long have you played at CCSD?"
cute girl: "I've been there for 2 years and I'm going into my third year. I want to transfer to UCSD."
me: "Sounds good. Are you going to play for UCSD?"
cute girl: "I don't know yet. I might want to just concentrate on school."
me: "So what did your coach tell you to work on today?"
cute girl: "I'm supposed to work on shoulders and abs."
me: "Hmmm, I think that machine you're on will focus on your triceps and back muscles. You should be careful on that machine. It can be rather uncomfortable."

I decided to do another set of tricep pulls while she started to do some more back exercises. While we were talking, I noticed from the corner of my eye that two guys were watching us. One guy looked like he was turning greener and greener every second. He was wearing orange and blue shorts and white shirt. But his Chinese complexion looked greener with envy as I talked to his girl.

So while I was was busy with my set, intentionally doing 20 reps to make 100lb tricep extensions look like cake, the jealous boyfriend pulled the cute girl away from the machine next to mine. They were just about five feet away, so I could still hear their conversation.

Jealous BF: "Don't you ever talk to any other guys at the health club! You don't know they're trying to hit on you?"
Cute girl: "I was just talking about exercises and that guy was helping me figure out my routines."
Jealous BF: "Those guys have only one thing in mind when they talk to girls at health clubs. If you're going to be my girlfriend, I order you not to talk to any other guys. I can tell you any exercise you need to know."

By now, I'm starting to chuckle, laughing uncontrollably inside. I couldn't believe how jealous this guy was feeling. I had no idea that I could make any guy feel jealous or possessive about his girl. I usually don't think of myself as a "threat" to most guys' girl friends. But in this situation, I obviously struck a chord in this dude's envious ego.

I never did find out that girls name. She's kinda cute. But I feel bad for her that she has such a jealous boyfriend. If I ever dated a hottie, I would let her decide to be loyal to me. She can have her friends. I would trust my hottie to know how much I mean to her. I would never force her to value me.

There's a saying that I'll paraphrase: "If you love a girl, let her go and live freely. And if she comes back, you'll know that she is truly yours."

Whew!!!!!

Tax season is over! I sent my tax forms and payments yesterday. I did it all on my computer after many hours of long and tedious research to find deductions, credits, and strategies to save money and pay less taxes.

When it was all said and done, I declared -$651 in contract work income losses! I declared -$6900 in residential income losses! Yes! That's good because I basically offset my gains with my expenses to reduce taxes. That's the beauty of self employemnt.

But the downer is that I paid a ton of taxes in capital gains. IRS tax law doesn't allow you to offset capital gains on stocks/mutual funds/etc. with losses from other sources of income. So I still paid a bunch of taxes to Uncle Sam and Governor Arnold "The Taxinator".



Blaaaah! What a bummer.

I always say that Uncle Sam is a not a blood relative, but he takes more money from me than I even give to my real relatives. I have given away a bunch to this non-relative who takes, but never gives. The government will never give me benefits that are valued even close to the amount of money I have paid in taxes. This is true especialy this year as I gave away a brand spankin' new Porsche 911 Carrera S to Uncle Sam and Arnold.



So I've concluded that I should spend some of my own money.

Usually, I'm a typical Chinese tight-wad who saves, saves, and saves. I'm a frequent client at Jack-In-The-Box on First and Mission, along with the many homeless folks who make that place the stinkiest restaurant I've ever entered. But hey, I spend only $3.44 to get 4 tacos and a re-fillable diet coke!



On other days, I go to In-N-Out Burger and eat lunch at In-N-Out Burger. I always get the Protein-style, Animal-style Hamburger. I usually order two of these and a re-fillable small diet coke.



I've become the expert in living a low-budget lifestyle, spending almost nothing on my meals. Oh of course, there's always the days when I drop by Costco and get the $1.62 hot dog and diet coke. That's always a filling lunch on barely anything.



Dude, I really shouldn't scrimp like that. It's really bad for my health eating junk food just because it's cheap. And this year, after paying a ton of taxes, I came to the conclusion that I should eat healthier and better quality food. The savings just isn't worth it. But most of all, I paid Uncle Same and Arnold Schwarzzeneggar enough money to eat high end dining for the rest of my life! Literally!

Why should I live like a pauper when I pay ton of taxes so that people on welfare can eat well on food stamps? That's ridiculous! So I've resolved for 2005 to eat better, enjoy fine dining, and spend money without second thoughts.

Breaking my old habit is going to be tough. I want to end the "penny wise, pound foolish" mentality that I've subjected myself to for decades. It takes practice for me to spend without thinking. Ironically, I have to make a concerted effort to spend without thinking. Ever since I was in high school, I would always try to spend little on food, thus subjecting myself to junk food and fast food.

If you ever catch me, let's do lunch somewhere that's better than fast food! And pray that I don't get audited this year. Uncle Sam and Arnold took enough already.

It's that time of the year again. Yes, tax time and time for the San Francisco International Asian American Film Festival. Man, I love the SFIAAF! Man, I hate taxes! (especially for 2004 earnings!)

I must say that the SFIAAF is an amazing experience with movies that I wish I could collect on DVD. Watching both the Asian American made as well as the international films is always such a personally enriching experience. I always see a piece of myself or something that I relate to (unlike the mainstream Black/White America). This year I've had the opportunity to watch a few films already and plan to watch films on Tuesday and Wednesday as well.

So here's a click-thru list of movies that I watched so far in 2005, will watch later this week, and the ones I watched in previous years:

2005:
"The Year of the Yao"
"Fishbowls and Silent Years"
"Listening to Love Songs"
"House of Flying Pancakes"

2004:(missed out! Total bummer!)

2003:(I saw a lot cuz I volunteered!)

"Book of Rules"
"Crouching Asian, Hidden Cheese"
"Chicken Rice War"
"Charlotte Sometimes"
"Long Life, Happiness and Prosperity"
"Refugee"
"Wet Sand"

2002:
"All Amateur Ecstacy"
"Betelnut Beauty"
"Better Luck Tomorrow"

2001:
"Love Juice"
"The Cut Runs Deep"
"Smells Like Teen Spirit":

2000:
"Restless"
"In The Space of a Kiss"

I've discovered that I am a very unorganized person. I don't think straight until 3am, after I've gone clubbing and had a few drinks with my friends. By that time, I'm sitting in bed, realizing that I need to retire from clubbing, want to blog some stories about the night at the club, and realize that I totally forgot to do my list of errands.

It is currently 3:38am and I came to realize that I shouldn't have gone clubbing tonight. I actually missed out on a friend's birthday and I'm kinda bummed. I went clubbing on Friday night and that screwed up my sleep schedule for that night. My buddy and I went to Club Glo with two other female friends on Friday night. I didn't get home till 3am on Saturday morning. And I had to get up at 9am so I could teach in San Mateo by 10am. By the time I got home, from teaching at 12:30pm, I was dead tired, slept till 4:30pm. And I had no idea what I was going to do for the evening. I really should have gone to my friend's birthday gig. But my head was totally screwed up from not sleeping correctly. And I was tired and just had dinner at home. Then my buddy Floyd convinced me to go Club NV tonight. For another night of brainless wandering in the clubs.

Dude, I need to stop clubbing and go to more personal social gatherings. At this point in my life I feel socially disconnected and limited to strange array of friends who are not directly connected to each other. The folks I know from the club scene are not exactly "there" up in the gray mattered part of the body. They think like bits and piece of raps. They embody the raps that you hear on the radio. They wear the clothes that the guys and girls wear in the videos. The guys shave their heads like rappers and the girls try to look like sex symbols. Sometimes, I think I'm part of a rap video when I'm at the clubs. However, being a rap clone is just not me because it doesn't allow me to fully exemplify my greatest attribute: the gift of gab.

Clubs are non-communicative environments where people are reduced to animal-like attraction, based solely on physical appearance (and not even dancing ability). Girls stare at guys just as much as guys stare at girls. And people base their decisions to associate with each other simply on appearance. The club scene is definitely not for those who are insecure about their appearance. No matter how good you are at talking with people, however, you cannot escape the standard of measurement in the club scene. Physical appearance is the bottom line for any social activity at the club scene.

Ah, I wax too intellectual with regard to the brainless activity of clubbing. I'm writing this article because I'm convinced that I need to go clubbing less in 2005. Over the past 2 months, I've concluded several new year's resolutions that I'd like to accomplish before December 31, 2005.

1. Buy a primary home (actually my second one)
2. Buy an investment property so I'll have three total
3. Do something besides clubbing on my Fridays and Saturdays.
4. Decide whether to sell my 99 Acura Integra or just get another car for fun.
5. Figure out what I want to do with my career
6. Finish blogging all of the wonderful ideas that I always jog around in my head.
7. Eat more protein, less carbs
8. Visit my newest nephew Seth in Portland, Oregon

Okay, I've gotta think of some more of these resolutions. And of course, I've gotta take action and complete these resolutions.

Okay 4:01am time to sleep.

What do girls look for in a guy....

No matter how much they refuse to admit it, girls really do care what a guy looks like. I've met many girls who simply say they're looking for a nice guy who is intelligent, patient, employed, and funny. Well if their requirements were that simple, they should already be happily married with kids. There are literally millions, or rather billions, of guys who fit this vague description. It is not hard to find a guy who fits this description. The truth is that girls vocally express only the tip of the iceberg when they describe their ideal man.

Sadly, girls refuse to admit that they are generally looking for a good looking guy. There are many different faces that girls may prefer, anything from the clean shaven to the rough and rugged. An unofficial consensus of women would agree that they like tall guys. Generally, a guy over six feet tall is preferred. However, I have never met, encountered or even heard of a girl who's looking for a short stocky guy who meets. I read personal ads just for the fun of it. Girls generally post the following (from Craigslist):

"Click away if you're not gay, ugly, and/or short. - 21 (concord / pleasant hill / martinez)"

"I am looking for someone at 5'10' or above who is college educated and more or less height-weight proportional."

"I am looking for a guy with bad boy good looks (yes good looking is a must), tall (at least 6'ft) and with a good sence of humor. "

(from an Asian-hating Asian woman)
" I am selective with men. But hey, if you're a 250lb 40 yr old and want a hot stud/babe, that's not reasonable.. I'm reasonable! I'm attracted to caucasion/european guys.. sorry! no asians (long story). People who are energetic, creative, spontaneous, kind, intelligent, down to earth are those I'm attracted to."

(from another Asian-hating Asian woman)
"i need a white man , not asian or blacks. this is only preference and i am not racist"

Okay, I think you get this picture. I've even asked some girls if they think a guy's face is less important as long as he is very tall. One girl admitted that a guy's facial features were inversely related to his height. In other words, the taller a guy is, the less important his height is to his physical attractiveness. On the other hand, the shorter a guy is, the more his facial appearance mattered to a girl. Weird. I guess.

I'm often irked by the extreme necessity for height. Some girls reject all guys below six feet tall. Hey, that's lot of us! It's almost as if any man below six feet tall is inferior in personal characteristics as well as physical. What difference does it matter if a guy is taller or shorter? Does being over six feet tall make a guy more sensitive? More intelligent? Funnier? Kinder? Richer? Well, I would have to say yes because so many girls seem to think height is the key to everything.

Funny thing, girls don't like to be judged by their looks. Who ever thought guys liked it? Whenever I see a girl posting an ad that requires that a guy must be over six feet tall, white, etc, I post the following:

"I require a female to have breasts of at least 36DD, little ittie bittie titties need not apply."

Of course this is facetious. No girl would respond to such an ad and gladly qualify herself as a potential mate for me. I'm never going to get a date if I keep posting these kinds of requirements. But that's how I feel when girls post a stupid height requirement or when an Asian female rejects all non-white males. For that matter, Asian women who refuse to date Asian males are racist!

I can't help you (Asian women) if you hate your fathers. Actually, I'm quite a sensitive guy. I'm a good listener. I'm awesome with babies and children. I'm a good teacher with kids of all ages. I'm funny enough to do stand-up comedy (which I've done). I look good enough to be on TV in front of millions (which I've done). I'm a good cook. I'm a good singer and can serenade while playing the guitar. I'm an awesome dancer and can sweep away any girl in any form of dance. I have plenty of qualities to offer the right girl. Oh by the way, I'm also a Harvard alum. In fact, I think I'm quite the treasure that many girls ignore. But of course, I'm not over six feet tall. Heck, I'm even a rich guy (I'm a Semi-Googlionaire... figure that out if you don't know what that means).

Sad to say, most girls don't give me a chance. I know I'm more interesting than most guys. I have more to say, more entertaining characteristics, and stories to tell. But most girls don't scratch beyond the surface. Most girls are too caught up with the ridiculous idea of six feet tall.

If I could figure out what it would take to find perfect girl, I would be a little happier. But the truth is, I think girls need to wake up and realize that they're missing the best guy when they don't even give me a chance to talk with them.

Beauty

Beauty is a timeless treasure that guys seek. We (guys) have an unquenchable thirst for beauty. Of course not all of us (guys) end up with the most beautiful girls. But there are not too many guys who actively seek ugly women.

I once put a personal ad on Craigslist that stated in the headline "Ugly Women Only!". I got more replies to that ad than any other ad I've ever posted. Actually some of the girls who replied were kinda cute and funny.

If I had one wish fulfilled, it would be that all women were super hot babe-a-licious babes. If no girl on earth was even plain, much less butt ugly, guys would judge girls entirely on personality. YES! Imagine if God made all girls hotter than Pamela Anderson (Lee?). If all girls just looked perfect, then guys could only choose a girl based on her personality characteristics. All that would matter would be who a girl was, rather than what she looked like.

Man, we guys would be doubly happy. I would be looking for girls who just had a great sense of humor, loved sports, dancing, singing, laughing, etc. It would be so much easier. I could date any girl and would be equally satisfied with her physical appearance. Sometimes I think that God punishes men by not making all women equally hot! If they were all perfectly beautiful, lust would never be an issue amongst men.

Shoot, look at animals. I don't think there's really a beauty scale that they actively rate each other. Amongst all living beings, I'd say that humans place the greatest significance upon appearance. We filter our friends and lovers initially on looks. When's the last time you've seen a guy or girl actively look for a physically disabled partner? Or a fat one? Or a short one? Dogs and cats mate with almost any other dog or cat that moves. That's why we have muts and mixed breed cats. In the end, looks don't matter as much for animals. We could learn something from our pets.